Why it's so hard to say
by amyniknak
Summary: How Perry and Jordan met. Obviously Dr CoxJordan. Reviews appreciated. Oneshot.


A/N: This is my first Perry/Jordan story, so be nice. I LOVE the Perry/Jordan pairing, so I decided I absolutely had to write a fic about them and how they met.

(Also the idea that they had a quickie in the courthouse toilets is NOT MINE, I got the4 idea from someone else's story but I can't remember right now who it was. I just thought it was an amazing idea.)

So enjoy. 

Perry Cox flopped onto the bed beside his ex wife, after another love making session. And as usual, there was no talking afterwards. Just straight to sleep. Perry sighed, looking at the back of Jordan's head. He gently stroked her hair, on edge for fear of her thinking him too sensitive. She rolled over to face him, a small smile playing around her lips. She let him carry on, a bizarre pause in her usual wicked nature. Even though he pretended to hate moments like this, Perry felt content to spend this sort of time with Jordan. He would never admit it to her, but he really did love her. He couldn't explain why exactly, as she was always sharp-tongued, with an air of malevolence wherever she went, but she drove him so crazy with passion it was easy to forget all this at times like this.

Perry looked downwards, breaking his gaze. He took hold of Jordan and positioned her closer to him, so he could smell her soft feminine scent and feel the warmth of her body. For once she didn't resist. "I can't for the life of me ever imagine how someone as beautiful as you could be considered so damn evil by the rest of the world..." he muttered. She raised her eyebrows, before kissing him lightly on his lips. "I know..." she replied in a sing-song voice, before closing her eyes.

Perry smiled, before following suit. He couldn't remember a time when he didn't love this woman. It was 12 years ago that they met, but it seemed as if this woman had been part of him forever, and always would be.

He noticed her as soon as she walked in. She was so striking it was impossible to determine why everyone else in the room wasn't amazed by her beauty as well. He looked down at the glass of Scotch he was holding, feeling himself get hotter. Snap out of it, she's just a woman, he thought to himself.

"Hey." He heard a voice say. He turned around to see her, a small seductive smile winking at me. Think of a sarcastic comment, his brain said. Think of something amusing. Impress her, impress her!

"Hey" he replied, silently kicking himself for not thinking of something more interesting.

"I saw you look at me when I came in. I've seen you somewhere before, haven't I?" she questioned, furrowing her brow to try and place his face.

"Well, if we'd have met before, I'm sure I would have remembered…" his voice trailed off at the end, not wanting to sound too keen. A woman as amazing as this needed something more than just fake-sounding compliments, he was sure of it.

She frowned briefly, before letting her face break into a smile.

"You work at the hospital right? You're a doctor! You see, I'm on the board."

"Oh." He was sure he'd never seen her before. But she'd seen him. Whilst he was working. Oh God… he knew he always looked a mess when he was at work… wait, what was this? He wasn't a girl!

"I'm Jordan Sullivan. And what's your name?"

"Perry Cox…" he mumbled, feeling his face get redder and redder. What was wrong with him? He had never got like this over a woman before. He decided to rectify the situation as soon as possible, as he could see by her expression that she was losing interest.

"Can I get you a drink?" he said desperately, hurriedly pulling out his wallet. Now he was a qualified doctor he had more money than ever before, but that didn't mean that he always remembered to bring it with him.

"Aww god…" he cursed under his breath at realising he only had a couple of ones left.

Jordan smirked, but in a kindly way, at his face.

"You really aren't good at this are you? But don't worry; I'm good enough for the both of us…"

"How'd you figure that out?" Perry retorted. Whoa, he'd barely met the woman and already they were arguing?

"Well for one thing, you're sat alone, so you obviously don't have a girlfriend, you can't even remember to bring money out with you and let's face it, and you aren't the most articulate of people…"

"Hang on there Jordan, what makes you think I haven't got a girlfriend?"

"The way you keep looking at me."

Perry looked down again, feeling sweat gathering at the base of his neck. She was really beginning to annoy him, but the tension in the air only made him want to annoy her straight back.

He realised she had sat down next to him, and was ordering herself a glass of wine. She winked at the barman as he handed her her glass, making Perry almost melt inside. He would have given anything to be that barman, to flirt with this woman.

She took a sip before turning back to Perry. She licked her lips to catch the remaining droplets of wine, wetting her lips. She noticed Perry watching her intently, before breaking into laughter.

"Am I that sexy?" she smiled.

"You think that licking your lips like that makes you sexy? I've seen way sexier than that!" he could sense where this might be going, and it was making his stomach squirm in excitement.

"Of course you have Per." She said mockingly, before returning to her drink.

For once in his life he didn't know what to say. He'd ruined it. First he had ended up sounding like a girl, then someone who was completely stupid, and then acted like a spoilt child having a pointless argument with one of their friends. It was because she was so different to the simpering women who usually came into this bar. She looked like she wouldn't take any crap, so the usual insults would be no good. He took hold of his head in his hands, as he often did, knowing that he had lost this battle.

Jordan drained her glass in one swift gulp, knowing that she had maybe been too harsh. She had thought he was the same as her, as when she had seen him before he had been in the process of insulting some first year interns for no reason. She had walked past him, willing him to notice her in her short black skirt and high heels, but it had failed as he was too wrapped up in his job. She'd seen him in this bar before, but he had never seen her, not until now. And she hated to admit it, but maybe she had been trying to bump into him. But it didn't matter now; as he clearly wasn't interested enough to even bother with her. She picked up her purse and strode out of the room, feeling tears of annoyance prick behind her lids. Just when she came close to finding someone they turned out to be just like everyone else. She looked back at him. His head was resting on the table, and over the music of the crowded bar she was sure she could make out his sigh. Well, she thought, if he wanted me that much he'd come and get me. She pulled open the door and disappeared into the night.

Perry hadn't been able to sleep that night for thinking about her. The evening had replayed in his mind; at every corner he could have done something different. And all these other versions all added up to one thing – him being able to kiss Jordan. He woke up that morning at the sound of his alarm after a brief sleep, interspersed with visions of lips and eyes and hair. He could feel his lips puckered when the beeping awoke him, mortified at the idea that he could feel this way and also disappointed that his dream couldn't continue. Everything he did that morning had a whole new meaning. He made coffee – he could imagine making Jordan a cup too. When he made the bed, he could see her sleeping on the other side. When he had a shower, he could almost feel her with him, giggling in the warm flow of water.

He arrived at work a few minutes late, something he hardly ever did. He mumbled his apologies to Dr. Kelso, who waved him away with a flick of his hand, before greeting the nurse on duty, Laverne Roberts.

"Somebody's late. Did somebody get some?" she questioned, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, DID somebody get some?"

It was her! It was Jordan! He turned around to find her there, looking more beautiful than before. He opened his mouth, and then shut it again. Laverne at once clocked the situation, walking off to leave them alone.

"Look, Jordan, I'm sorry about last night."

"Why? Did something happen between us last night?"

"Well, it would have done if you hadn't been so uptight!"

"Me, uptight? At least I could get my words out straight!"

"At least I wasn't sat there licking my lips like some kind of dog before it gets fed…"

Ooof. He knew he'd gone too far then. But Jordan smiled. He noticed she looked even more wonderful when she did that.

"Is that right? What kind of dog? Because you were definitely a puppy, one of those little ones with the big eyes, you know, the ones that look at you as if they are begging for a little cuddle…"

A spark seemed to fly between the couple. Perry felt the anxious feeling in his chest lift. It was almost as if they were flirting. But it was nothing like he'd ever know before.

"No, you were definitely one of those bloodhounds, that hunt down the best man they can find, bring him down so hard and then rip his entire throat out before chewing on his heart a little."

"Oh, did someone dream about me last night?"

Jordan took a gamble with that comment, and it looked to have paid off. The fact was, she had dreamt about him too. And when she had woken up, she could almost feel his skin on hers as it was in the dream.

"Well, no actually sweetie, because I was too busy worrying about avoiding you today as I know that evil snakes like you can easily kill a man."

Jordan looked at him closer, as if peering at him.

"Meet me here when your shifts over." she whispered seductively in his ear, before touching his upper arm and heading towards the board room. She looked back at his stunned face, and laughed to herself. He was hers for the taking.

Perry stared at her, stuttering for something to say. She had been so close to him, she had touched him, and oh, how he wanted more. He couldn't wait till the end of his shirt, so he could maybe get a chance to touch her in return.

Throughout the day, Perry was on eggshells, looking around every corner to see if she was there, checking his reflection in any mirror or glass available and going over what he would say in his head. She wanted to meet him! She had smiled! She had touched his arm? Did it mean she liked him?

Finally five o'clock rolled around, and Perry was free to go meet Jordan. He scanned the reception area where she had said she would be, and thankfully, she was. Leaning against the desk, pretending she wasn't waiting for anyone. Her hair looked somehow polished, and as he continued to watch her, she applied a fresh coat of lip gloss before reaching down and undoing another button on her shirt to reveal a bit of cleavage. Then she looked directly at him.

He raised his eyebrow at her, as if to say "I saw you trying to make an effort just for me", resulting in a faint pink blush colouring her cheeks. She glanced around her for no apparent reason, maybe to hide her embarrassment, before striding towards him, her high heeled shoes tapping rhythmically on the floor.

"Someone's keen…" she whispered, before continuing out of the front entrance doors, beckoning him to follow. He did, amazed by her ability to entrance him like this. She was just a woman. There were plenty like her. Except they weren't like her, were they? None of them got as deep inside him as she did. None of them had rendered him sleepless, been in his thoughts all day and made him so insecure in his own skin for once.

"This is your car, right?" she asked, when they arrived in the car park.

"Yah." he replied, opening the door for her. She got in, flashing him a smile, as he opened his own door and started the engine.

"So, Jordan? Where are we going?" he whispered, not comprehending what was going on.

"Okay then Per, I'll tell you. I have noticed that there is a lot of unresolved tension between us. So I think we need to set it right."

"How could we do that?"

"I think you know…"

She moved closer to him, as suddenly her lips were on his. After the initial shock, Perry began to feel the tension building even more, and there was only one inevitable way to relieve it. And it had to be done right now, right here, in Sacred Heart's car park. Doctors and Nurses were walking past all the time, some pausing right outside the car to talk or wave at a colleague as they left and those working the night shift arrived. Perry pulled away, realising the impossibility of the situation. He tried to pull away, but Jordan was too forceful. She said between kisses "I can't stop Perry… I need…" then she stopped talking, the passion enveloping her. Perry was torn. He couldn't risk someone like Dr Kelso seeing. But Jordan was his dream girl. She was kissing him; they were going to have sex!

"I only live a few blocks away..." he breathed, taking hold of the steering wheel and reversing out of the parking space. Jordan was still close to him, her hands all over him, her heat, her body. She was stroking his thigh, making it very difficult to concentrate on the road. He closed his eyes briefly, wishing they were home right now so they could do whatever they wanted. He could see his apartment building ahead of him, she was kissing his neck.

"Aw fuck this…" he muttered, reclining the seats and clambering over the gear stick to get to Jordan. She moaned as he began to move on top of her, ripping off his jacket and trying to unfasten her skirt. She pulled her shirt off, breaking a button or two but it didn't matter. This was it. She had been waiting for this ever since she saw him, and it was every bit as good as she hoped. His touch on her, all over her, was breathtaking. She closed her eyes and let him do whatever, feeling herself melting into him.

Darkness was settling like a blanket over the neighbourhood, as the moon bathed those still outside in an ethereal light. A lone car. Two people.

Perry held Jordan to him. The night was cold, but he had never felt so warmed and comforted by another's presence. He was usually such a cynic, any film he would watch with two people in love would be dismissed as "unrealistic" and "no guy would ever demoralise himself that much", as would any couple holding hands. Whenever he witnessed a woman crying over the lifeless body of her husband or boyfriend, he would snort and mutter "give me a break…" before hurrying away to somewhere less… he didn't know. He'd had girlfriends before. He had sometimes thought he loved them. But he always managed to lose them. And he had always been okay with losing them. To him, if neither of them wanted the relationship to work, it simply wouldn't, and he was fine with that.

The fact was, he had never said "I love you." And he had never heard it back. Love didn't exist. It was something people made up to get people to sleep with them. Or at least to make them want to stay. But somehow he had changed. In the few hours he had known Jordan, everything had become different. He wasn't willing to let this go. The sex had been mind-blowing, and let's face it; it had never been so good before. But that wasn't why. He couldn't quite pinpoint it. He could feel something stirring inside him, like he wanted to make sure that Jordan was always happy, as happy as he was. That was another thing. He had never felt this happy. He had always been a strong believer that a person makes their own happiness, rather than relying on anyone else, so therefore had resigned himself to a life of cynical, sarcastic observations on other people's lives, filled with joy as they typically would be, and trying to persuade himself it couldn't possibly be real.

Perry stroked Jordan's hair gently. Her eyes were closed, her head resting on his bare chest. She had gone from screaming in ecstasy to a silent brooding, and he wanted to know why. Was it his fault? Was he not good? She probably didn't like him. There he had been, thinking he was, god forbid, falling for her, and she had been just looking for someone to sleep with but hadn't succeeded in finding anyone any good. He sighed, his warm breath breezing through her hair. She was asleep. He softly kissed her, feeling more and more foolish as he felt that stupid warmth spread through him as he felt her touch.

"Dammit Perry" he said quietly to himself. "Pull yourself together, she's just a girl. Just some girl. You're not in love, you barely know her. It's nothing. She'll go home, you'll go home, you'll never see each other again, except in passing, and even then she'll ignore you. There'll be someone else like her. Someone who can drive you crazy with every emotion you've ever felt, without any obvious reason. Someone so beautiful it almost hurts when you think of her. Someone so…amazing. Aw who are you kidding? She's out of your league. Someone like her deserves better. Some other guy will love her like you do."

He suddenly realised what he had said, and started in alarm. What was that? Love? The dreaded L-word? It was okay, Jordan hadn't heard. But he loved her? It did make sense. But to fall so hard, and so fast? Aww, to hell with it. He loved her. But he knew he could never tell her. Never reveal to her how he felt.

Back in his bed, twelve years on, he still felt the same. He had never said It to her, but he liked to think that every time a scathing insult passed his lips, she knew what he really meant. So much had happened, the divorce, her cheating, the pressures of his job, the women he'd had during the lulls in their relationship, and of course, Jack and Jennifer. And even though a part of him had hated her during their rough patch, which eventually resulted in their divorce, there had been a bit inside him that refused to wither and die. Why else would they have had that quickie in the courthouse toilets after their divorce had been finalised? The bit that he believed she had created inside him that day in the bar was something he was sure no-one else could ever have. And as long as he lived, that piece would never die.

Sometimes Jordan wanted to tell Perry she loved him, she really did. She didn't know why she never did. There was maybe an element of fear there. Like if she let her steel guard down for even a few seconds, her whole world would collapse. Hell, he never said it to her, so why should she have to put herself out there? Plus, if he'd told her how he felt, she was sure she would have laughed in his face for being such a girl. Except of course, that first time. In the car. The lever that reclined the seat had been digging into the small of her back, preventing her from sleeping, and she had heard every word. At the time, it had been all a bit sudden, but over time, she had found that she felt the same. After the divorce, she had tried to forget him, by actively sleeping with as many guys as possible, but to tell the truth, none of them had made her feel as Perry did. Their angry, bitter, resentful sex always made her feel more loved than any other experience she had had. And she knew it was weird, and people would tell her so, but they had never been there. They had never been her, and they had never had a man who had fallen in love with them at first sight. And that was why it was so hard to say I love you.

Because it was true.


End file.
